


Secrets and Lies

by Carryonmywaywardlester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Multi, School, Secret Admirer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 23:34:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11724906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carryonmywaywardlester/pseuds/Carryonmywaywardlester
Summary: A story of rekindled friendship, that turns into love.





	Secrets and Lies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auroraphilealis (thousandrosepetals)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousandrosepetals/gifts).



> This story was written for a very special young lady. She has been an amazing friend, and my biggest writing inspiration. ElizaJane, thank you. Thank you for such an amazing writer, and giving me such joy for untold hours. I wish you a very, very happy 23rd birthday, my lovely. I hope you're having a really good day, and that you enjoy this little token I have written for you! (I'm just so sorry it took so long!). Much love, my lovely. 
> 
> Also a big shout out to llamalamp27 for acting as beta for this story! Thank you so, so much for taking the time to polish this up, and for all your kind comments.

“Oi, Howell, what are you doing?” yelled Chris Kendall as he strode down the school corridor towards the locker that Dan was stood in front of. “Mate, this isn’t even your locker! What gives?” 

Dan, meanwhile, looked like a deer that had been startled by a hunter. His pale cheeks flamed up, and he seemed to shrink into himself. 

“Nothing,” stuttered Dan quietly. 

Chris hadn’t missed the way Dan’s face had coloured. 

“Nothing, yeah right,” snickered Chris. He knew exactly why Dan was stood in this particular locker corridor; it was the home of a certain Mr Lester’s locker. It wasn’t long before the bell was due to ring for lunch. Plus Dan and Chris both had a free lesson. 

Again, Dan’s face flamed. Chris grinned hugely. Of course he knew about Dan’s huge ass crush on Phil Lester. Not that Chris could blame him. Phil was gorgeous. With his long black emo hairstyle, bright blue eyes, and the dark eyeliner he wore, paired with his tightest skinny jeans and t-shirt, he had half the sixth form chasing him - both girls and guys alike. 

“Shall we go grab a table in the canteen?” asked Chris, knowing full well Dan would shoot him down. 

“What? No! Not just yet,” muttered Dan. 

Just then the bell rang signifying the start of the lunch break. Chris felt Dan stiffen under the hand he’d just placed on his shoulder a moment before. A second later the corridor was awash with students. Dan watched the end row of lockers like an hawk until Phil appeared. As soon as Phil opened the door of his locker Dan watched a piece of paper flutter to the ground. The second Phil noticed it and bent over to retrieve it, Dan began to move. 

“Woah, Howell! What the fuck?” called Chris in surprise, but Dan just kept moving until he collapsed on a bench in the furthest corner of the school yard. 

“What the fuck, Dan?” asked a panting Chris. “What spooked you so bad?” 

Still, Dan didn’t say a word. 

**   
All through lunch, Dan was thoroughly distracted. There were several times that Chris had to dig Dan in the ribs to get his attention. 

“Dan, sweetie, are you okay?” asked Louise in concern. 

“What? Oh yeah, I’m fine!” said Dan quickly before looking away, and falling back into his broodiness. 

“Is he okay?” Louise whispered to Chris. 

All Chris could do was shrug; he wasn’t about to betray his best friend. 

**   
Phil was bored. He’d started clock watching five minutes after sitting down. Sociology had always been his worst subject, and the teacher’s voice was enough to make Phil want to go to sleep. On the other side of him sat PJ Liguori - his best friend and confidante of fourteen years. PJ, as usual, was totally absorbed into what the teacher was droning on about. 

“How do you stand it?” Phil whispered. 

Like always PJ ignored Phil. He knew better than to rise to the bait. Phil turned away with a frown and looked at the clock again - only another fifteen minutes to go.

Ten minutes.

Five minutes.

Finally the bell rang, and Phil was up out of his seat quicker than a jackrabbit with a coyote on its tail. 

“Phil!” hollered PJ. “Wait up, mate.” 

Phil, however,  was already out of the door into the bright sunny corridor. It took a minute for PJ to catch up with him. 

“Mate, what’s with the rush?” asked PJ with a grin. He knew full well that Phil couldn’t stand Mr. Davis. 

Instead of replying, Phil just rolled his eyes and carried on walking. Once they’d fought their way through the crowd, they finally arrived at the lockers. As soon as Phil got the door open, he saw a piece of what he presumed to be paper flutter out of his locker onto the floor. 

“What the hell?” muttered Phil, bending over to pick it up. 

“What you got there?” asked PJ having glimpsed Phil bending over to grab something from the floor. 

“Your guess is as good as mine,” answered Phil as he unfolded the sheet of paper. 

Once open, Phil found it was a sweet compliment. 

‘I think you are the best dressed person in this school! You’re so cool, and I love that about you.’ :) 

“What the hell?” muttered Phil again. 

PJ, leaned over Phil’s shoulder to read. A huge grin spread across PJ’s face. He had a sneaking suspicion he knew who that was from, but wouldn’t say a word to the wise. A few weeks ago after a heavy makeout session, Chris had let it slip that Dan Howell had the biggest crush on Phil Lester.  

“Ooo, someone’s got a secret admirer!” chortled PJ. 

“What?” asked Phil in surprise. 

“Duh, think about it! A note slipped inside your locker, and a compliment like that! Yeah, you have a secret admirer,” giggled PJ. 

PJ watched as Phil’s dumbfounded expression changed into a huge grin. 

“I wonder who it is!” said Phil excitedly. 

“No idea, mate,” said PJ, doing his best to appear as confused as Phil was. 

**  
Just before the end of lunch, Chris’ phone pinged. 

From: Peej

Did Dan slip a note inside of Phil’s locker? :) xx

From: Chris

I think so, yeah ;) xx

From: Peej

Well he got it, and he’s really curious as to who it is! He’s been running through a list of potential people it could be! 

From: Chris

Was Dan’s name on that list at all?” xx

From: Peej

No :( xx

From: Chris

Oh, oh okay :( Does Phil ever talk about Dan at all? xx

From: Peej

Not that I’m aware of :( xx 

From: Chris

Oh shit dude! I just hope Dan isn’t going to end up with a broken heart, cos Phil has no idea who he even is! :/ xx

From: Peej

I hope not either, maybe I should just casually mention Dan among a few that Phil doesn’t really know all that well? xx

From: Chris

Dude, that’s some good thinking! Thanks <3 xx

From: Peej

See you tonight? Xx

From: Chris

You know it! ;) xx

“Who are you talking to?” asked Dan breaking Chris out of his reverie. 

“Just some dude I know,” replied Chris shortly before stuffing his phone away in his pocket. 

“You sound tense, is everything okay?” asked Dan in concern. 

“Mate, I’m fine,” said Chris with forced cheerfulness. 

“Chris, I know you better than that! So what gives?” asked Dan, frowning at his best mate. 

“Honestly, everything is fine, Dan. Come on, we better get to English or Mrs. Corry might have an aneurysm if we’re late again,” said Chris as he slapped Dan on the shoulder. 

Dan glowered at Chris. He knew something was amiss, but he hoped whatever it was, it wasn’t upsetting Chris too much, or for too long. 

“Chris, are you feeling okay?” asked Louise. “You’re actually being considerate of a teacher’s feelings.” 

Dan and Chris both jumped. They’d been so wrapped up in their own thoughts that  they’d completely forgotten the girl was there. 

Chris took a second to regain his composure before flipping Louise the bird. 

“Delightful child,” muttered Louise before flipping him off herself. 

**  
On the way to English, Phil was still reciting a possible list of people his secret admirer could be. 

“What about Amy? Or Jack? Or Sammy? Or Mitchell?” asked Phil. 

“Phil, I have no idea,” said PJ. “Have you ever considered some of the quieter kids of our year? You know, the ones that maybe you don’t have anything to do with?” 

“Huh?” asked Phil, looking at PJ indignantly.  “I know everyone in our year!” 

“Yeah okay then!” replied PJ sarcastically. 

When they finally reached the English classroom and took their seats, PJ asked Phil to point out who everyone was. Phil managed to identify most of the people in the classroom, with the exception of a few; those few included: Chris, Dan, Dodie and Dean. 

“See, mister smartass,” muttered PJ. “Maybe, just maybe, it could be one of these people.” 

PJ could see that Phil was considering it. 

“Who did you say that kid was, the on sitting next to Kendall?” asked Phil.   
“That kid is Dan Howell,” reiterated PJ. 

Phil sat and stared at the boy, trying to place in his mind where he’d seen him before. 

**  
Dan could feel a set of eyeballs boring a hole into the side of his head. Looking around the classroom, he clocked both Phil and PJ staring and pointing at him. Dan felt a sense of panic rising within him. Why were Phil and PJ staring in his direction? Did he have something in his hair? Or on his face? 

“Chris,” Dan hissed. “Fucking Phil Lester is staring at me!” 

Chris’ head shot up and he looked over at the other side of the classroom. Indeed it seemed that both Phil and PJ were staring. 

“What are you two ugly fuckers staring at?” catcalled Chris. 

“Fuck you, Kendall,” Phil yelled back. “At least I don’t have a face that looks like a baboon’s butt.” 

Half the class melted into hysterics at the look on Chris’ face, Dan included. 

“Some mate you are!” snapped Chris at Dan, who was still flopping around like a dying penguin. 

“Oh my God, you should have seen your face!” said Dan between gasps of air. “Too funny.”

Phil watched as Dan laughed harder than everyone else in the classroom. The longer he listened to that adorable laugh, the wider his smile grew. How he’d not noticed Dan before, he had no idea. He expressed this to PJ.

“Wow, okay, so I must need an eye test! How have I never noticed that Dan kid before? He’s actually hella cute! And his hair is just like mine, but it just goes in the other direction!” 

“Phil, mate, I have no idea! Given the fact we’ve all gone through school together as well!” replied PJ in amusement. 

“Eh?” said Phil in astonishment. 

“Seriously, Phil, how could you not know that? For like maybe a year, when we first started school, you and Dan were best friends,” replied PJ with a frown. 

“Oh my God! How could I forget something like that?” asked Phil worriedly. Was his long term memory that bad? 

The door to the classroom swung open signalling the start of the lesson. 

** 

At the end of the day, Phil made it his mission to try and catch Dan on the way home and maybe try to start rekindling their childhood friendship. Phil was disgusted with himself. How could he have forgotten Dan? What had even caused their friendship to disintegrate in the first place? Had it been so traumatic that Phil had simply blocked it from his memory? He hoped that Dan could shed some light on things. 

“Hey! Dan!” called Phil as he followed Dan down the drive of the school out onto the main road. 

Hearing Phil call his name caused Dan to stop and tense up. Had he’d been busted? Had Chris gone off and blabbed about everything? Did someone else spot him putting the note between the vents of Phil’s locker? Whatever the case, Dan was in awful trouble, or so he thought. 

“Hey, Dan, how are you?” asked Phil, cautiously trying to gauge Dan’s current mood. 

“Phil?” stuttered Dan shyly. 

“One in the same!” chortled Phil. 

“What can I do for you?” asked Dan in bewliderment. 

The confusion must have shown on Dan’s face, because it caused Phil to audibly gulp before broaching the subject at hand. 

“Why did we fall out when we were little?” Phil rushed to ask. 

Whatever Dan had been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been that. 

“Huh? Oh, oh that,” said Dan quietly. A look of pain flittered across Dan’s face for a moment as he remembered the past event. 

Phil remained quiet and observed the other boy for a moment. Judging from the anguished expression that had briefly crossed Dan’s face, whatever it was that had happened, it had been bad - at least for Dan. 

“PJ started the school a little bit before we moved from reception class into year one, and when he started you became friends with him. Then when I tried to join in on your games in the playground, PJ would push me over on purpose and call me names, and you didn’t try to stop him. I told my mum what was going on, and she told the teacher, and I was told to stay away from you in future, so I did. We grew apart, and we both changed, Phil. You were happy being friends with PJ so I decided not to get in the way of that friendship. Chris was as lonely as I was. He took me under his wing and looked out for me, and we became friends. He introduced me to Louise and Dodie, so…” Dan said with a shrug. It was still painful to remember, but  Dan couldn’t hate Phil for what had happened was fourteen years ago. Besides, they’d become different people now. It just so happened that Dan had developed a huge crush on the boy who’d rejected him all those years ago. He couldn’t quite decide if that was fucked up or not.

Phil looked on in horror as Dan told the story of their formative years. Had he really done that? Had four-year-old Phil really been that callous? Had he rejected Dan over PJ? How low could he get? 

Dan, sensing Phil was about to apologise, made him halt in his tracks. “Phil, please don’t apologise, I’m over it. It’s been fourteen years. We’ve both moved on and made new friends, so don’t worry about it,” Dan cut in firmly but gently. 

Phil stared incredulously at Dan. Had the boy just given him a get out of jail free card? Dan had grown up to be quite a marvelous guy. 

“In that case, can we try again? To be friends I mean?” asked Phil in a flustered manner. 

“I don’t know. How is PJ going to feel about that?” asked Dan quite seriously. “I don’t want to come between the two of you.” 

“We’re all grown ups now. I’m sure he’ll be fine with it,” said Phil, giving Dan a reassuring smile. 

“If that’s what you want, I see no problem with it,” said Dan, returning Phil’s smile timidly.

Hope blossomed in Dan’s chest. Maybe, just maybe, Dan could make Phil fall in love with him without having to do the whole secret admirer thing. On the other hand, as much as it scared him, he wanted to continue to do it, just to see that huge smile creep across Phil’s face every time he found a note, to see the way his baby blue eyes sparkled with joy. 

**  
Dan and Phil walked the rest of the way home together that afternoon. Dan didn’t say much. He just enjoyed listening to Phil speak. That evening, Dan was happier than he had been in a long time. As soon as he got home from school, he headed straight for his bedroom and switched his computer to open Skype. Once it was loaded, Dan started a chat with Chris. 

To: Crabstickz 

hey chris, you’ll never guess what happened to me on the way home!

To: danisnotonfire

What? 

To: Crabstickz

phil lester actually talked to me! he started asking about why we stopped being friends all those years ago

To: danisnotonfire

… 

To: Crabstickz

chris? 

To: danisnotonfire

…

To: Crabstickz

oi you fucker reply to me! 

To: danisnotonfire

hahaha, got ya! 

To: Crabstickz

you wanker, don’t do that to me! 

To: danisnotonfire

aw, did I scare you? 

To: Crabstickz

sod you chris! 

To: danisnotonfire

love you too. so how are you feeling after your encounter with phil? 

To: Crabstickz

i can’t really describe how i feel rn tbh. shocked is a good start though. i’m curious as to what’s suddenly bought all this on! 

To: danisnotonfire

Same if i’m honest… 

To: Crabstickz

Maybe it had something to do with PJ and Phil staring and pointing earlier. I think maybe PJ awoke some memories? 

To: danisnotonfire

Could very well be, mate! I know a guy, hang on

To: Crabstickz

Who do you know? 

To: danisnotonfire

No one you need to worry about, I promise 

So Dan waited. He knew Chris was the type of guy who knew a whole range of people across town to get all kinds of info from. Five minutes later Dan’s Skype pinged. 

To: danisnotonfire

Yep, PJ definitely seemed to have unlocked some forgotten memories in Phil, mate 

To: Crabstickz

Thanks, mate

To: danisnotonfire

No problems, I need to go, I’ll talk to you later

Dan frowned; Recently Chris had been disappearing quite often during the afternoon, and Dan could only hope Chris wasn’t getting himself into any kind of trouble. 

**  
When Phil got home, he headed straight for the living room to the cabinet in which his mum kept all the photo albums. Once Phil found the one he was looking for, he plopped down on the carpet and pulled it open. Inside were all Phil’s old class photos from nursery onwards to year six. Phil easily spotted himself in the photos, and after looking closely he found Dan in the row behind himself, his easy smile lighting up his face, dimples caved in. As Phil continued browsing through the album, a photo suddenly became dislodged. He pulled it out and stared; it was a photo of himself and Dan. Written underneath the photo were three words ‘My Best Friend.’ Phil, being the actual softie he is, felt a lump form in his throat. He slipped the photo inside his bag to show Dan in the morning. 

He still couldn’t quite believe he’d totally forgotten about his friendship with Dan. Had PJ taken up that much of his life? After Phil had tidied up, he headed for his bedroom and switched his computer to load up Facebook and search for Dan. When he found his profile, he noticed that he was already friends with Dan - which surprised Phil. He wondered how long they’d been friends on here. Another question to ask another time. Phil figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a look through Dan’s profile now he was here. Clicking on his ‘About’ section, Phil learned when Dan’s birthday was, that he was bisexual, and that he had a younger brother. He also learned from Dan’s status posts that his parents were currently going through a rather messy divorce, and Dan was going back and forth between his parents. 

Next Phil opened up Dan’s photo albums and had a look at his ‘Photos Of You’ and ‘Uploads.’ Phil found himself smiling bittersweetly at the photos of Dan with Chris, Louise, Dean, and Dodie. However, there was one photo that caught Phil’s eye and truly made him grin - it was a picture of Dan sat on his bed with a Muse album in his hand. Muse was Phil’s all time favourite band, with Fall Out Boy being a close second. As Phil kept scrolling, he came across a photo from just over a year ago of Dan with Louise sat on one side of him, and Dodie sat on the other. Both of the girls were turned inwards towards Dan and giving him a kiss on each cheek. It was simply captioned: ‘Happy Birthday to me.’ In the comments were a load of messages that Phil guessed were from other friends or family, but one comment caught his eye. ‘Baby, I’m so sorry your dad and I missed your birthday, but we do love you. See you when we get home from Tenerife.’ Phil felt a sense of anger bubbling up inside his chest. Dan’s parents were away for his birthday? How cruel was that? That was something Phil’s own parents would never dream of doing to him or his older brother. Phil closed out of the photo before he said something he would regret later. Once he closed out, Phil got up and stretched. Then he threw himself down on his bed and fell into a restless sleep. 

**  
The next day, Phil waited at the school gate for Dan. When he came into view, Phil straightened up, a tingle of nervousness running down his spine. 

“Hey, Dan,” said Phil as Dan got closer. 

“I’ll catch up to guys up, okay?” said Dan to the two girls Phil now knew to be Louise Pentland and Dodie Clark. 

“You sure?” mouthed Louise. 

Dan nodded once, and the girls moved on. 

“Hi, Phil, how are you?” asked Dan, his voice almost a whisper. 

Phil swallowed hard. There was something about Dan looking and sounding so vulnerable that made Phil want to scoop him up and protect him. 

“I was looking through some old photos last night,” said Phil carefully. 

“Did you find anything good?” asked Dan quietly. 

“I actually did,” said Phil as opened his bag and rifled inside for a few moments before he pulled out what he’d been looking for. “Look.” 

Dan took the photo from Phil and looked at it. Dan’s doe eyes widened in surprise. 

“Oh my God, is that us?” giggled Dan. 

“Yeah, that’s us,” grinned Phil. 

“How young were we?” asked Dan. 

“I’m guessing about three or four years old,” replied Phil as he studied Dan’s features for a moment. He looked so soft and so young, and the dimple on his left cheek looked so inviting of a poke, but Phil held himself in check rather than be his impulsive self. He didn’t want to scare Dan away. 

“It’s a lovely photo, Phil. You should cherish it,” said Dan softly. 

“Keep it,” Phil offered. 

“Oh, I couldn’t do that, Phil. It’s yours,” replied Dan, smiling warmly this time. “I better go and meet my friends. See you around Phil.” 

Dan handed Phil the photo and moved away. As he did so, Dan looked back over shoulder and gave Phil another smile, a smile that left Phil rooted to the spot. 

**  
When Dan got to his tutor room, Louise practically pounced on Dan. 

“What did he want?” 

“Who? Phil?” asked Dan. A feeling of warm, fuzzy, contentment had seeped its way through Dan’s veins. A smile lit up his eyes, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Dodie, who smiled softly at Dan - a smile that said I’m happy that you’re happy. 

“Yes, Phil Lester,” answered Louise. 

“He found an old photo from nursery school of the two of us together and wanted to show it to me,” said Dan with a shrug. 

“Oh, okay,” said Louise in surprise. “I didn’t realise you two had known each other that long.” 

“We were best friends for a couple of years when we were kids, but we grew apart,” said Dan with another shrug. 

“I wonder what’s got him in such a sentimental mood all of a sudden,” Louise said more to herself than to Dan. 

Just then the bell rang signifying the start of the their day. 

**   
By the time art rolled around for Dan, he was alone. Dropping down into an alcove in the English block, Dan pulled out a piece of notepaper and a pen and began to write: 

‘I love the way your big blue eyes sparkle like the sun dappling water on a summer’s day. There’s just something mesmerising about them.’ 

Dan folded the piece of paper up, got up and kept moving until he reached the locker corridor that housed Phil’s locker. Checking the coast was clear, Dan tiptoed towards Phil’s locker and took a good look around before quickly stuffing the piece of paper through the vent on the door of the locker. Just as Dan had taken five steps away from the locker door, a voice sounded behind Dan causing him to freeze in his tracks. 

“Mr. Howell, why are you not in art right now?” asked Mr. Greenham. 

“I’m on my way now, sir. I had to use the little boys room,” replied Dan politely. 

“Well get a move on, the bell is about to ring,” said Mr. Greenham. His beard twitched as he watched Dan scurry down the corridor into the the art block. He’d seen the young man slip something into one of the lockers. He only hoped it was a nice note, and Dan wasn’t being a bully. He couldn’t see it; Dan was one of the politest kids in the school. 

When Dan arrived in art, he was a bit red and flushed. 

“Mr. Howell, you’re very nearly late!” scolded Mr. Francis as Dan flew through the door. 

Dan could feel everyone’s eyes boring into him, and a blush swept his already warm cheeks as he moved through the room to take his seat. 

“I’m very sorry, sir. I had to use the little boys room,” said Dan quietly, wishing the earth would open up and swallow him right there and then. 

“As I was saying before Mr. Howell rudely interrupted me, we will be carrying on with our watercolours today.” 

As Dan sat down next to his work partner, Dodie, she gently patted his knee and gave him a gentle smile. “Are you okay, Dan?” she whispered softly. 

“Yeah, I’m okay, Dods,” said Dan giving Dodie a wry grimace. “Who’s turn is it to model?” 

“Mine, I think,” replied Dodie quietly. This is why Dan liked Dodie, she was very soft and quiet, except when she brought out her ukulele broke into song. Then she could be really quite melodic, and Dan loved to listen to her. 

Mr. Francis finally allowed them to assemble their workbooks and supplies, and Dodie realized it was her turn to paint Dan. When Dan found this out, he breathed a sigh of relief. He really wasn’t in the mood to paint today. Plus, he was having trouble focusing. Phil was his all consuming thought at the moment. It was difficult enough dealing with his feelings for his former childhood best friend, as well as Phil suddenly talking to him again. Dan couldn’t figure out what had suddenly changed. Why now, after fourteen years? Dan found himself slowly spiraling down a dark hole in his thoughts, so much so that  Dodie had to give Dan a small shove to tell him that the lunch bell had just rung and they could pack up. 

“Dan, are you sure you’re okay? You’re being even more monosyllabic than usual,” said Dodie as she tidied up all the brushes and tins of paints. 

“I’m fine, Dodie, just got a lot on my mind. We’re coming up for the end of term, before the exams start, and I’m really nervous,” lied Dan, metaphorically crossing his fingers. 

Dodie gave him a long look, but silently accepted it. She knew he was lying, but wasn’t going to press him. He would tell her in his own time. She didn’t want him to shut down like he had a year ago when his parents had announced they were getting a divorce. Dan had stopped talking to anyone about his feelings, and no matter how much his friends had all prodded him he completely shut down. That was until he’d had a massive breakdown and confessed his feelings. It really hadn’t been pretty, either. In fact, Dodie had been scared out of her wits when Dan initially broke down. They’d been together in the local shopping centre when it happened. To this day, Dodie had no idea what had set Dan off, but whatever it was, it had been enough to send her best friend spiralling. Dodie had managed to get Dan outside onto the sports field behind the shopping complex before she called Chris and Louise for help. 

“Come on then, Dan. Let’s go get lunch,” said Dodie quietly as she returned to Dan’s side. 

**

Phil, meanwhile, had barely paid attention in his media class, earning him a rare old ticking off from his teacher. Miss Dobson had been less than impressed with the inattentive Phil. 

“Mr Lester, why the inattentiveness today?” asked Miss Dobson briskly as she stuffed papers away in the desk drawer. 

“I…” Phil found he really couldn’t answer that question. He’d been so busy beating himself up over how he’d treated his best friend of so long ago that he’d hardly noticed where he was. Why it was bothering him so much, he didn’t know. “I just have a lot on my mind, miss.” 

Miss Dobson gave Phil a shrewd look. It seemed as though young Mr. Lester did in fact have a lot on his mind. “Anything I can help with?” she asked. 

“No, miss. Just have some stuff I need to figure out,” replied Phil distractedly. “May I go?” 

“Well, I hope whatever this is, you’ll sort it out soon. Usually, you’re one of my best students, and I would like for that to continue until the end if you please. Off you go, young man.” 

Phil quickly exited the room and walked as fast as he could towards his locker. 

When Phil arrived at his locker, he found PJ waiting for him. 

“Everything okay?” asked PJ in concern. 

One look at Phil told PJ that something was majorly up. A frown was creasing Phil’s forehead, and his top teeth were worrying at his bottom lip. 

“Mate?” asked PJ tentatively. 

“Why was four-year-old Phil such a knob?” Phil blurted. 

“Eh?” asked PJ looking taken aback. “What’s bought all this on?”

“I walked home with Dan last night, and he told me why we stopped being friends,” replied Phil. 

“And?” asked PJ. 

“And apparently I dumped him for you! He tried to join in our games, but you would push him over and not let him play with us, which resulted in him telling his mum, and his mum telling the teacher, and he wasn’t allowed to play with us anymore,” said Phil quickly. 

“Wait! What the fuck?” asked PJ. “I don’t remember that! How the fuck did he remember something like that?” 

“It obviously scarred him, and it’s something he’s carried around with him since,” whispered Phil. 

Phil turned his head to look at his best friend. PJ had paled and looked totally aghast. 

“We really did that?” whispered PJ. 

“We did,” answered Phil. 

“Fucking hell, we were horrible as kids, weren’t we?” said PJ more to himself than to Phil. 

“So it would seem, but past is past right? We can’t go back and change it, so we make things right now, yeah?” asked Phil uncertainly. 

“Right,” said PJ. 

Phil pulled the door of his locker open just for something to do when he felt something lightly land on his foot. Looking down, Phil spotted a folded sheet of paper and bent over to retrieve it. Quickly opening the note, a smile spread across his face as he read it a few times in succession. 

PJ noticed Phil’s radiant expression and asked what was up. 

“I’ve just received another note from my secret admirer it would seem,” replied Phil, proffering the small piece of paper in PJ’s direction. 

PJ took the note and read it. A smile also crept across PJ’s face. He had to hand it to Dan, he certainly had a way with words. 

**

Dan had decided not to hang around the locker corridor this time. He’d headed straight to lunch with Dodie and met up with Chris, Louise and Dean. Dodie plonked herself down next to Louise and flopped her head onto Louise’s shoulder for good measure. Dan, meanwhile, had sat himself next to Chris, who’d dramatically thrown his arm around Dan and proclaimed that he’d missed Dan the whole hour they were apart. In response Dan gave Chris a shove, telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being a total dickwad. 

Dan spent the first half of lunch hoping Phil had gotten the note, and if he had, what he’d thought of it. He didn’t have to wait long to find out. Phil and PJ appeared at the start of the second half of the lunch hour, which threw Dan into a bit of a tail-spin. 

“Phil, PJ, what are you guys doing here?” asked Chris, who was the first to spot them coming over. 

Dan’s head shot up in surprise. The look on his face must have said it all. 

“To answer your question, we’re here to see young Daniel,” chuckled Phil. “You don’t need to look so surprised Dan.” 

Dan’s heart was racing. Why had they come to see him now? Had they figured out that he’d been the one writing the notes? Was this it? Was Dan about to be outed? Taking a deep breath, Dan finally spoke.

“Phil, hi, what’s up?” Dan tried to sound as normally as possible, though he was certain his voice had a slight nervous quaver to it. 

“We came to apologise,” said PJ quickly. 

Dan looked blankly at them both. “Apologise for what?” 

“For the way we treated you back in the infants. I know a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, but we were hoping that maybe you can forgive us and let us be friends again,” said Phil. 

The entire friend group came to a standstill. For a moment it looked as though no one was breathing. Louise’s jaw had slackened, and her mouth had dropped open. Dodie just sat in silent shock. Dean, meanwhile, had almost dropped his sandwich all over his lap. Chris was looking between Dan and Phil with a frown on his face. Eventually, Chris gave Dan a small jab in the ribs with his elbow. 

“Apology accepted, Phil. PJ, it’s never been an issue for me. I accepted it long ago and moved on, so you guys should do the same. Phil, past is past,” said Dan with a small smile. 

“Thank you, Dan,” smiled Phil. “Mind if we join you?” 

By now, Dan’s heart was beating a tattoo in his chest. Phil fucking Lester wanted to join him and his friends? Dan surreptitiously pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming; nope, not a dream. Dan had to clear his throat before speaking due to the amount of emotion that had seemed to have lodged itself there. “Guys?” asked Dan of his friend group.

Everyone looked at everyone else for a moment before a general assent was heard. 

**

A week passed, and Dan was happier than he had been in a very long time. He now he had his oldest and very bestest friend back in his life. Though it was true that he loved Chris, that he was a great friend and had been Dan’s rock over the last fourteen years, it was still nice to have Phil, the one guy who, for some reason, made Dan’s life feel whole again. Dan and Phil had taken to revising together for their A-Level exams that were literally days away now. 

A few days after they all started hanging out together, Chris was hanging out at Dan’s doing some revision when he made a valid observation. 

“Mate, you do realise that eventually Phil will probably start to recognise your handwriting, right?” said Chris over the top of his script he was learning for drama. 

Dan gave a start and looked at Chris in distress. If that was the case, how was Dan supposed to carry on with his secret admirer notes? Dan expressed this concern to Chris, who just rolled his eyes. 

“For a guy as bright as you, you can be awfully dumb sometimes,” said Chris fondly as he rolled his eyes. “Ask Phil if he has a tumblr, dumbass. That way you can send him anonymous asks to his blog.” 

A grin spread across Dan’s face before he realised exactly what Chris had said and flipped him the bird. 

“Fuck you. I ain’t a dumbass. Your mum’s a dumbass,” said Dan. 

“What did you call my mama?” asked Chris in faux annoyance. 

“You heard me, bitch!” said Dan, who then proceeded to poke his tongue out at Chris. 

“Right, you’re in for it!” said Chris as he  leapt up and launched himself at Dan. He landed on top of him and dug his fingers into his ribs and began to tickle him mercilessly. 

“Chris, no please, no, get off of me!” yelled Dan, flailing around like an octopus. 

“Who’s mama is a dumbass?” yelled Chris loudly. 

“Yours!” yelled Dan breathlessly. 

“Fuck you, Howell!” yelled Chris again as he tickled Dan harder. 

“Fuck your mum,” shouted Dan with a laugh. 

“I s2g you’re a glutton for punishment, Dan,” said Chris with a grin before proceeding to tickle even harder. 

They’d been making such a racket that they didn’t hear Phil and PJ enter the room. Dan finally opened his eyes to see Phil and PJ stood in Dan’s bedroom doorway with their arms crossed over their chests and huge grins on their faces. Dan flushed even darker and made every effort to push Chris off of him. 

“Phil? PJ?” stuttered Dan. 

Chris whipped his head around to smirk at the two boys stood in the doorway. 

“Not interrupting anything are we?” asked Phil with a grin.

“No, no. Kendall, get your fat ass off of me,” whined Dan as he tried again to push Chris off. 

“Who you calling a fat ass?” asked Chris indignantly. “I have it on good authority that my ass is perfect!” 

This comment caused PJ to giggle - he’d been the one to tell Chris that. Of course, at this, all eyes turned to stare at PJ, and PJ tried to pass it off as a cough. This time it was Chris’ turn to giggle. Now that Chris wasn’t paying attention, Dan used this distraction to wiggle out of Chris’ grip and stand up. 

“Phil, PJ, what are you guys doing here?” asked Dan as he straightened his t-shirt out. 

For a moment, Phil couldn’t speak. He’d just caught sight of Dan’s flat tanned belly, and had a moment of madness as he imagined nuzzling his face against that soft, flat expanse of skin. Phil felt his mouth go dry and sensed a faint stirring in his loins. He was pulled out of his daydream by PJ, who had just elbowed him in the ribs. 

“I thought we could study together,” said Phil in a voice that was a pitch higher than he normally spoke. Unfortunately, it didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Aw, what’s the matter, Lester? Puberty hitting you at long last?” jibed Chris. 

“Puberty hit me a long time ago. Just ask my last boyfriend,” winked Phil at Chris. “At least I’ve hit puberty. Maybe, one day the puberty fairy will catch up to you!” 

PJ and Dan both went into hysterics, and Chris sat with his arms crossed over his chest, pouting. 

“I hate you guys!” Chris muttered. 

“No you don’t,” said Dan with a grin. 

“Yes, I really do!” said Chris. 

“No you don’t,” said Phil this time. 

“YES I DO!” yelled Chris. 

“Oh, shut up you dork,” said PJ as he crouched down in front of Chris and kissed his cheek. 

The whole room stilled. Dan and Phil looked at each other in shock. Had PJ just...? Was Chris actually blushing like a schoolgirl? 

“Woah, what the hell just happened?” asked Phil. 

“Chris?” asked Dan faintly. 

PJ and Chris looked at each other and grinned. 

“We’ve been dating for the last three months,” laughed PJ happily. 

“You sneaky bastards! I’ve been worrying that you were getting into something that would get you majorly hurt, you ass,” said Dan to Chris with a huff. 

“Something you care to tell me, Peej?” asked Phil. 

PJ made a big show of getting up to stand in front of Phil, and placed one hand on Phil’s shoulder, his other hand over his heart. 

“Phil, I’m bisexual, and I’m in a relationship with Chris,” said PJ with a grin. 

“Congrats, mate. I hope you’ll be very happy together,” said Phil merrily, a grin splitting his face in two.

“Christopher?” said Dan indignantly. Deep down Dan already knew. Chris had never exactly been quiet about his sexuality, and he knew he always leaned towards guys more so than girls.  

“Daniel?” grinned Chris. 

Dan and Chris eyed each other before breaking down into laughter. 

“Congrats, you two, but PJ, you hurt Chris, and it won’t just be me baying for blood,” said Dan. 

“Understood,” said PJ solemnly. 

** 

A few days later Dan was holding another note that he had carefully written in his neatest block handwriting. 

‘I love to watch you laugh. The way your tongue pokes out the side of your mouth is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.’ 

Quickly Dan stuffed it between the vents in Phil’s locker door and made a bee-line for English. When he arrived, he found Chris sat with PJ. Dan felt his stomach drop into his shoes. Had Dan pissed Chris off? They’d been sitting together for years now, so why the sudden change? Then Dan remembered, Chris was dating PJ now. Dan looked across the classroom to the seats he and Chris usually occupied and found Phil sat there seemingly waiting for Dan to show up. As Dan glanced over at Phil, the other boy patted the seat next to him indicating that Dan should come and sit beside to him. Swallowing nervously, Dan moved across the classroom to join Phil. 

“Hey, Dan,” smiled Phil. “Sorry about the small move around. Chris begged to be allowed to sit with his bf.” 

Dan merely rolled his eyes and sat down slowly. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs, and his mouth had started to go dry. A faint buzzing sound echoed in his ears, and his mind was racing. Even though they’d had study sessions alone in Dan’s room over the past couple of weeks, he was afraid everyone but Phil would see how much Dan loved Phil. 

By the time English was over, Dan was a shaky mess. He’d hardly been able to concentrate properly on anything as he’d been too busy watching Phil out of the corner of his eye. He was so fascinated with the look on Phil’s face as the other boy concentrated that he had forgotten to concentrate on his own assignment. 

PJ observed Dan from the other side of the classroom. He could really see what Chris had been saying about Dan being in love with Phil. It was so plain to see, and quite frankly it was almost painful to watch. PJ wished that Dan would just ’fess up and put himself out of his misery. 

“Hey, you okay?” asked Chris. 

“Hm? Yeah, I just see what you mean about Dan,” replied PJ. 

Chris glanced across the classroom and saw what he had always been able to see; his best friend in the whole world pining for a guy who seemed too oblivious to reciprocate, and that broke his heart a little. 

Finally the bell rang and for lunch. 

“Dan, come with me to my locker? I want to put my bag away for now,” said Phil as he started packing away his stuff. 

Dan blanched at the question. Go to Phil’s locker? What if he connected Dan to the notes? He wasn’t ready yet for Phil to know he was the one writing the notes! Maybe Chris had a point; maybe it would be better all around if Dan started sending Phil anonymous asks on tumblr. At least then he couldn’t be identified by his handwriting. 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll come,” said Dan quickly. He hoped that Phil wouldn’t notice the slightly higher inflection to his voice. 

“Great,” smiled Phil as he got up and started to move towards the classroom door. 

Dan swallowed nervously, and followed on. 

** 

Thankfully, Dan wasn’t outed as the secret admirer this time, but it gave him a thrill to see the smile that spread across Phil’s face as he read the note. Dan committed that smile to memory. He would always want to remember the way Phil looked - especially if he got turned down once Phil found out that it was in fact Dan, at least he would always have this moment so he could remember exactly how he felt and exactly how Phil looked. 

“Dan, any ideas who this secret admirer could be? Have you seen anyone hovering near my locker at all?” asked Phil as they walked towards the canteen. 

Inwardly Dan was screaming, ‘Yes, it’s me! I’m your secret admirer, and I love you so damn much!’ Outwardly, Dan just quietly shook his head and whispered a soft, “No.” 

“Are you okay, Dan?” asked Phil with a frown on his face. He hadn’t missed the way Dan had suddenly gone very quiet.  

“I’m okay. I just need to go and use the little boy’s room, but i’ll be right back,” said Dan forcing a grin.  

As Dan began to move away, Phil grabbed him by the arm. Dan froze in his tracks and looked at the hand holding his arm before tearing his gaze away and looking at Phil’s face. 

“Are you sure you’re okay, Dan?” asked Phil in concern. 

“Phil, I’m promise you that I’ve never been better,” said Dan with as much sincerity as he could muster right in that moment, “but I really need to go use the loo.” Dan had to kerb the urge to put his hand out and cup Phil’s cheek in his hand. 

Seeming satisfied with Dan’s reply, Phil let go of his arm, and Dan quickly scurried off to the men’s room. Once inside, Dan stepped into a cubicle and locked the door. Then he sat on the closed toilet seat and rested his head in his hands. Dan sucked in air and let it out slowly. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he was beginned to feel dizzy as his thoughts raced mile a minute. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to give his stupid self away. 

‘Pull yourself together, you fucking fairy.’ thought Dan aggressively as he grabbed handfuls of hair. Tears welled up in his eyes and his breathing became ragged. Both his heart and mind were in awful turmoil; in his heart he was desperately in love with Phil, but in his mind he trying so hard to err on the side of caution and keep it together. Knowing the way his luck was running, Phil probably would never feel that way about him, and as far as Dan was concerned, who could blame him? 

**

Phil had obvioulsy noticed the way Dan had gone awfully quiet when he found and opened the note. He’d also noticed how Dan had bitten his lip as he moved away. It had been an automatic reaction to grab Dan the way he had, and again, Phil had noticed the way Dan tensed up and looked at him. The thing was, it had done something funny to Phil’s heart and stomach. Butterflies had erupted like molten lava in his chest, and touching Dan had sent electrical sparks up his arm into his shoulder. Phil collapsed slightly against his open locker. He felt dizzy and confused. Had he just fallen in love with his former best friend? Phil knew he was going to have to navigate these waters carefully so as not to scare Dan away. 

It was minutes later that Phil realised that Dan hadn’t yet returned from the bathroom. ‘Where is he?’ thought Phil. He headed to the boy’s room to look for Dan. Phil slowly cracked the door open, so not to spook Dan, but it appeared the bathroom was empty. Just as slowly, Phil started to back away until he heard something that sounded like a sob. He stopped in his tracks and softly called out. “Dan?” 

**

Hearing Phil calling his name made Dan’s breath hitch in his chest. The softness of his voice startled Dan even more. He hadn’t known Phil could ever sound that soft. Dan held his breath and hoped Phil would just go away. He didn’t want Phil to see him this state. There would be too many awkward questions to answer. However, as luck would have it, Phil didn’t go away. The next second Dan heard knuckles knocking on the wood of the cubicle door. 

“Dan?” called Phil softly. “Is that you? Are you okay? Please answer me, Dan.” 

Dan let out the breath he was holding with a soft whoosh, quickly dried his face, and unlocked the cubicle door. Phil pushed the door open, stepped inside, and put his back against the door. 

“Dan, why were you crying?” Worry had made Phil’s baby blues a deep shade of turquoise. 

Dan merely shrugged. How was he even supposed to answer? He wasn’t the world’s greatest liar. Plus, he didn’t want to have to lie to Phil. 

“Dan, please, talk to me,” whispered Phil. 

“It’s nothing, Phil. I’m just super tired and I’m starting to stress over the exams coming up and I just…” Dan improvised. He had to say something. He couldn’t afford to lose Phil again. 

“Just what?” asked Phi, probing further. 

“I could do without my parents’ divorce right now. It’s messing my head up a little having to go back and forth between them all the time. Like, if I don’t go and see my dad, he starts accusing my mum of poisoning my mind against him, and then things get ugly! It’s just so hard!” Once Dan had said it, he felt oddly free He hadn’t realised before just how badly his parents divorce was fucking him up. 

“Dan, you’re eighteen now. You don’t have to put up with any of this, y’know? Do you want to come over and talk to my dad? He’s a solicitor in town, and maybe he could give you some advice on how to deal with this situation! You don’t need or deserve to going through this! It’s not right, and it’s not it fair to you!” said Phil passionately. Dan was again surprised to hear his former best friend talk this way. 

Next thing Dan knew, he was being bundled into a warm hug. Once he was over the initial shock of the hug, Dan allowed himself to melt into Phil’s warm embrace. He buried his face into the crook of Phil’s neck and just let himself relax a little. Phil was just so soft and warm, and he smelt slightly musky, and a little like raspberries. Dan happily inhaled and made the most of it, ‘cos God only knew when he’d get another hug like this ever again. 

“Thanks, Phil,” said Dan, his voice muffled. 

“Come on, let’s get out of here, okay? The smell is starting to make me feel a little sick,” said Phil with a small chuckle as he pulled away. Dan was already missing Phil’s warmth. 

“Okay,” said Dan. The once he managed, to stand up, he realized that Phil was extremely close to him. Their faces were literally inches apart. Dan found his eyes slipping shut, and he was getting awfully close to Phil’s lips. Gently Dan made contact before rapidly pulling away again. “Oh my God, I’m so so sorry, Phil. I didn’t… I mean… FUCK!” Dan shoved Phil aside and fled the bathroom. 

**  
Phil stood in the cubicle with his back against the wall, shocked to the core. Had Dan seriously just kissed him? Had that really just happened? Phil couldn’t think, couldn’t breath, couldn’t speak if he was to try. He found himself slipping down the wall until he made hard contact with the floor, though with the state Phil was in, it was unlikely he even felt it. His head was a mess, and his heart was racing again… 

**

Dan didn’t stop running until he got home. Once home, Dan dragged himself off up to his room and buried himself in his duvet. He was breathless and mortified. Why in God’s name had he kissed Phil? Why? As usual, Dan felt he’d totally screwed things up, this time probably for good. Berating himself, Dan allowed the tears to flow. He must have cried himself to sleep, because he awoke sometime later to find several missed calls and texts from Dodie, and when Dan logged onto his computer, he found a dozen messages from Chris on Skype, but Dan was too mortified to want to speak to anybody. 

Days went by, and Dan stayed holed up in his bedroom. He couldn’t bear to face the world again now that he’d made a right tit of himself. No doubt it was all around school that he’d taken advantage of Phil fucking Lester in the school bathroom. Chris had tried to call what seemed like a hundred times in the past few days, and Louise had texted him numerous times. Even PJ had left a couple of text messages. As for Phil, he’d been incommunicado for the last few days, which had Dan scared out of his wits. 

It was on the fourth day of Dan hiding that sometime during late morning Dan hear a knock at his bedroom door. It was the same soft knock that Phil had used in the school bathroom. Dan’s breath caught in his throat, and then panic set in, Dan had nearly finished sending Phil an anonymous message on tumblr when the knock came.

“Who is it?” called Dan. 

“It’s Phil. Can I come in?” 

“Not to be rude, but what do you want?” asked Dan. At the moment he was in no fit state to be entertaining guests. His hair was starting to look like a birds nest, and he was wearing a tatty t-shirt and and an old pair of pyjama bottoms. His eyes had massive black bags beneath them from lack of sleep, and he really hadn’t eaten much either. Dan got up from his computer and moved to stand in front of the door. He placed one hand on the handle, the other against the wood of the door, and he rested his forehead against the cool painted wood too.

“I wanted to come and check on you. I’m worried about you,” called Phil softly through the door. 

“Not just now, Phil. I’m not ready,” said Dan quietly. 

“Please Dan,” said Phil just as quietly. 

“I… I can’t… Phil, please…” begged Dan. 

“Okay, Dan, but I’ll be back!” said Phil. 

**  
In the days that followed the kiss, Phil found himself waiting for Dan at the school gate. He desperately wanted to tell Dan that he’d enjoyed the kiss and that he’d like to do it again at some point. He was disappointed when Dan hadn’t shown up. After a couple of days, disappointment turned into panic, and Phil had been forced to explain to their friends what had happened between them in the bathroom. Stunned silence had been prevalent to begin with before Chris had broken the silence with complete hysterics. He’d found the whole thing incredibly funny, which had caused Louise to smack Chris with her rather large handbag and sternly informed him that it wasn’t funny and it was causing Dan obvious distress, which had sobered Chris right up. 

“Mate, why don’t you go and see him?” said PJ in annoyance late one night over a skype call with Phil. “If you’re that worried, just go to his house and sort this shit out once and for all.” 

“You’re right, of course you are!” sighed Phil. “I’m sorry I’ve been going on about it so much. I’m just so scared that he’ll do something stupid.” 

“I’m sorry for snapping. Chris hasn’t spoken to Dan for a few days now either, and he’s really worried too,” sighed PJ. 

“I’m going to go and see him tomorrow,” Phil said more to himself than to PJ. 

“Good luck, mate!”

When Phil arrived at Dan’s he found that no one was answering the front door, so Phil walked down the alley at the side of the house and made his way into the back to try the backdoor - he found the door was unlocked. Phil pushed the door open and stepped inside. It felt weird entering the house without permission, but damn Dan’s mother. He needed to see with his own two eyes that Dan was okay. Phil softly closed the backdoor and made his way through the conservatory into the the kitchen, and from there he navigated his way to the stairs until he was stood outside of Dan’s bedroom door. 

Afer Dan dismissed him again, Phil dejectedly made his way home. Once home, Phil threw himself down on the sofa. He was so disappointed that Dan had shut him out. It also hurt. Why had Dan shut him out? Had Dan hurt himself in some way? Did he repulse Dan? A hundred-and-one questions swirled around his brain until it got to be too much. At that point, Phil went upstairs and checked all his social media. When he opened tumblr, he found an anonymous message in his inbox. 

‘You look so warm and cosy, and I wish I could bury myself forever in your arms and stay there. I bet you smell incredible too. I would just love to run my fingers through your silken locks and go swimming in those sea blue eyes. I wish I had the courage to tell you who I am…’        

For the first time in a few days, Phil found an involuntary grin spreading across his face. 

‘Anon, I wish you’d tell me who you are too! I’d love to talk to you more as well!’ replied Phil. He was curious as to which of his classmates this could be, as he had several of them added to his tumblr. He could only hope that whoever this was, that they’d be brave enough to reveal exactly who they were in due course. 

**  
Day five found Dan lying on his bed in a state of lethargy. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, but he wasn’t really seeing the ceiling. Instead, he was replaying the scene from the bathroom five days previous over and over again. Why’d he been such an idiot? If he hadn’t kissed Phil, he’d be at school with the guy and secretly worshipping him from afar. Such was his frustrations that Dan grabbed a pillow and held it tight over his face in a bid to shut out the noise in his brain. Moments later, the pillow was ripped away from Dan’s face. It took a few seconds for Dan’s eyes to focus on the person stood over him. 

“Phil?” squawked Dan in shock. “How did you get in?” 

“Your mum is home,” shrugged Phil. 

“Oh, oh okay then,” mumbled Dan thoughtfully. He wondered why his mum was home unless…  was it really the weekend already? 

“Dan, enough is enough, okay? You don’t need to hide…” started Phil.

“Phil, please, I have well and truly embarrassed myself this time. That kiss should never have happened. I’ve made a laughing stock out of myself,” cut in Dan. 

“What makes you think that? Why shouldn’t it have happened? I’m not embarrassed about it! I may not have responded, but that was only because I was in shock! I have no regrets about kissing you Dan,” said Phil loudly. 

Finally, Dan looked at Phil. He looked a mess. He was paler than usual, his black ravenesque hair was greasy, and his cerulean eyes had black rings around them. Dan felt his heart lurch. Did Phil really care that much, or was it all just a ploy to make Dan feel better? No, this could never be a ploy, Phil wasn’t the kind of person to play games like that. Dan sat up and patted the space next to him indicating Phil should sit down. As soon as Phil had sat, Dan dropped his head onto Phil’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, I just, I freaked out!” started Dan. “I mean, you’re you, for fucks sake! Why would someone like you ever be interested in a nerd like me? I’m literally no one, a nobody, the guy who has been picked on and bullied his entire academic life…” 

Phil hushed Dan by placing a hand over Dan’s mouth. 

“You listen to me okay, and make sure you listen good! Whatever you might think of yourself, you are none of those things, okay? You are a wonderful guy, you’re gorgeous, and I think, I think I may just be a little bit in love with you,” blurted Phil. 

Dan stiffened. His doe eyes widened in shock. Had Dan died and gone to Heaven? Had Phil fucking Lester just declared his love? No, this couldn’t be real! Dan had to be dreaming! Dan’s heart was literally trying to beat its way out of his chest, and he could barely breathe. His brain was in a place of swirling fog. 

“Dan, say something, for God’s sake, speak,” said Phi, sounding panicked. 

“I… what? Did I just hallucinate?” mumbled Dan. His voice thick with shock. 

“No, Dan, this is very real,” said Phil with a chuckle. 

Brown met blue, and Dan threw himself joyfully into Phil’s arms. This cause Phil to fall backwards and laughter to spill forth. A moment later and Dan was laughing hysterically too. This went on for several minutes until neither boy could breathe, and tears were pouring down their faces. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, Dan. You’re an idiot,” said Phil smiling widely at Dan once they’d both recovered from their hysterics. 

“I know, but after so many years of being put down and shit, it was bound to happen,” said Dan from somewhere in the proximity of Phil’s stomach where his head now rested. 

“No one is ever going to do that to you again!” assured Phil vehemently.      

“How can you be so sure? Your not always going to be around, Phil,” replied Dan quietly. 

“Because if I find out it has happened again, I will fight them! No one gets to put you down ever again,” whispered Phil emotionally. 

“I love you, Phil,” whispered Dan so softly he wasn’t entirely sure he’d even said it aloud. 

“Come here,” beckoned Phil in a soft voice. 

Dan wriggled up the bed so he could face Phil. A hand came up to cup Dan’s cheek, and  a thumb swiped over his cheekbone before a gentle kiss was placed on Dan’s lips causing Dan to take a deep breath of shock in through his nose. Dan kissed Phil back with ardour, bliss permeated every inch of Dan’s body. Minutes later they broke apart, breathless and panting. 

“I love you too,” whispered Phil. 

Dan moved in to kiss Phil again. 

**   
By the time Phil got home, he felt like he was walking on air. He’d finally sorted things out with Dan and finally got to return the kiss, and he couldn’t be happier. As soon as he walked inside, Phil headed for his bedroom and sat at his computer. Once it had loaded up, Phil found another anonymous message in his email. 

‘I can’t stop thinking about you! You really are totally amazing. You’re truly the sexiest guy I know, and I really do wish you were mine!’  

Phil bit his lip. He’d totally forgotten about his secret admirer with everything that had been happening with Dan. 

‘Anon, I have a confession to make, I have a boyfriend. You seem like such a lovely person, and I truly do hope you find someone who’ll make you happy, but unfortunately, I can never be that person. I really am sorry.’ 

Phil let out a sigh. It had hurt to have to say that, but, right now, Dan was his only concern. 

**  
Later on that night Dan found he couldn’t sleep. So he loaded up his computer and went on tumblr - straight to Phil’s blog, and checked to see if Phil had replied to his last anon. It was the first post on Phil’s blog, and the smile slipped from Dan’s face. Phil had a boyfriend? Dan felt his heart break into two and his stomach flipped. So it had all been a ploy after all! It had all been a game! Tears welled up and ran down his face. Hurt, confusion and anger that Phil had lied to him made Dan do something he wouldn’t normally do. 

Phil, how could you lie to me? You have a boyfriend? What the fuck dude? You said you loved me. I bared my soul to you, ffs! I trusted you not to hurt me again, but I guess I was wrong to do so! Leave me the fuck alone, Phil. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!’

Dan then logged his computer off and crawled into bed and cried for the rest of the night. 

**  
The next morning when Phil logged back into his tumblr he found the ask Dan had sent him. He sat in confusion. What the bloody hell had happened for Dan to have sent him a message like that? Then he remembered the last anon that the secret admirer had sent him, and how he’d replied. Phil scrambled from his computer chair to his bed to find his phone… 

*** 

Dan was awoken by his phone vibrating loudly in his ear. Dan sleepily grabbed his phone and peered at the caller ID. Seeing it was Phil, Dan threw his phone to the floor and rolled over to face the wall… 

***  
Phil couldn’t get any answer, but he expected that. In between calls to Dan, Phil had gotten himself dressed, and had flown out of the house. He had to make things right and explain himself to Dan, even if that took all day. He couldn’t and wouldn’t let this go. It was far too important to him to let that happen. He loved Dan, pure and simple… 

***

“Dan? Dan? Open the door, I need to talk to you!” shouted Phil through the wooden door. 

Dan ignored Phil. 

“Daniel James Howell, stop being such a fucking stubborn ass and open this door!” shouted Phil again. 

Again, Dan ignored Phil. 

“Fine, okay, ignore me then, but know this, when I said I had a boyfriend, I meant you, you Goddamn fucking idiot! I told you I loved you, and I meant it! I will continue to love you too, but call me when you can stop acting like a mardy child!” yelled Phil. 

Dan’s heart was again racing as it seemed to be doing so much these days. Had Phil really just called him his boyfriend? Dan dived from his bed to his door and pulled it open. He heard Phil’s voice at the bottom of the stairs talking to his mum. Dan tore down the stairs before he could fuck things up any further and completely lose Phil for good. He found Phil leaning against the living room door frame with tears pouring down his face. Dan’s heart broke in two at the sight of it. 

“Phil? I’m so sorry,” said Dan as he quickly crossed the hall and pulled Phil into a tight hug. “I’m sorry for being such a fucking moron! I got so confused and upset, especially as we hadn’t exactly discussed our relationship status.” 

“Something you two care to tell me?” asked Dan’s mum good humouredly from inside the living room. 

Dan and Phil looked at each other and began to laugh. 

“By the way, Phil, I’m your secret admirer,” said Dan as an afterthought once he’d stopped laughing. 

Phil’s face was comical. A look of realisation dawned on Phil’s face, then a look of understanding as to why Dan had gotten so bloody angry. 

“Oh my God! Dan! I’m sorry, I had no idea that it was you! Now I can see why you got as upset as you did!” said Phil in surprise. 

“Dan, Phil, come in here and sit down please,” called Dan’s mum again. 

The boys looked at each other and went to face the fifth degree. 

**  
Dan had finally returned to school on the Monday. As soon as they could, they told all their friends about their newfound relationship. Of course they’d all be very understanding and had declared they’d all stand by them both. Dan had apologised to his friends for not replying to any of them, which had earned Dan a punch in the arm from Louise for being such a git, but then she gave him a massive hug and told him she was happy for him. Of course the news had broke amongst all the sixth formers that Phil Lester’s heart had been stolen by Dan Howell, and the snideness towards Dan escalated to a point where Phil had almost gotten himself expelled for punching out Mitchell Baker for trying to push Dan down a flight of stairs after a sociology class one afternoon, but he had been saved by the fact that their A-levels were due to start the next day. 

Their exams were now over and with done with. All the students felt frazzled, but super glad that the exams were over. Now all they had to do was await their exam results to whilst getting their stuff for university. Not that this applied to Dan and Phil. Both boys had decided they’d take a gap year and just relax a little. They were both worn out because of the amount of studying they’d had to endure for the past fourteen years. This year was for going to be for them to do whatsoever they wished. Phil had managed to get a job as a barista for the summer, and Dan was lording it, using the money his Grandmother had left him several years ago to be a lord of luxury, but he and Phil spent as much time together as they could. Dan would sit in the cafe and watch Phil as he worked. During one such day, Dan sat and gave thanks to whoever had bought him and Phil together, because this was the happiest Dan had ever been, as he’d told Phil one rainy night late in September: 

‘This is the most fun I’ve ever had.’

Fin.  

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to follow me on tumblr (Even if all I do is reblog!) my url name is Cosmicphandom2k16.


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